Breaking

Would you like some transparency?
 
I have a box of snotty tissues full for you.
 
I’m breaking. Breaking in a snot won’t stop, “God what is wrong with me?!” – breaking kind of way.
 
We don’t talk about breaking. We especially don’t talk about breaking for those leading. Leaders don’t break, right? Well, if that is a title or role or responsibility assigned to me, I’m going to be real and open  and authentic and raw, we break – and I won’t pretend or fake.
 
There is a heavy on my heart and mind, coming from all sides. I’m grateful for the rest I found in January, because if I weren’t nestled into the heart of the Father right now, oh it would be worse.
 
My heart is breaking for the church.
 
My heart is breaking for what goes on between brothers and sister in the church.
 
My heart is breaking for the deceived.
 
My heart is breaking for the truth to be seen, heard and to reign.
 
My heart is breaking for the soul comfortable with malicious behavior and acts towards others.
 
My heart is breaking for the children who will never get to take a breath and live their calling for the pleasure of our King.
 
My heart is breaking.
 
My heart is breaking for wives whose husbands are unable or unwilling to love them the way Christ would.
 
My heart is breaking for men unable to receive FULLY the love of God and be led, to lead.
 
My heart is breaking for every child whose burden became so big; they chose to end their lives.
 
My heart is breaking for all the parents who miss their children so badly words are ununtterable and tears are the soft whispers many won’t hear, except the Father.
 
My heart is breaking for the families whose presence is taken for granted and screens and scrolling and schedules replace genuine time together.
 
My heart is breaking.
 
My heart is breaking for the woman, young and old, desperately trying to cover up the open wounds or scars of emotional and physical abuse, deception, ridicule; being called stupid or fat or dumb; rejection or promiscuity; addiction to food or binging or starving, approval, drugs, alcohol; and decisions made from lack of trust fueled by self-reliance, that led or is leading only to heartache. I have the same scars.
 
My heart is breaking for every woman living with the pain and disappointment of divorce.
 
My heart is breaking for every woman living with the loss of a husband passed too soon.
 
My heart is breaking for every woman living with the loss of a parent or loved one.
 
My heart is breaking for every woman fighting some debilitating disease – seen and unseen.
 
My heart is breaking for every woman feeling alone, lost, unseen, unheard and uncared for – I care.
 
My heart is breaking for every woman sleeping in a jail cell – physical or mental – I’ve slept there too; freedom can be had.
 
My heart is breaking.
 
My heart is breaking because there are folks around the world living without clean water and food.
 
My heart is breaking because there are people living without health care for their wounds.
 
My heart is breaking because there are souls without much who will give richly out of their poverty.
 
My heart is breaking because I have touched the faces of babies and elderly in the worst of places, left to be unloved, waiting to die.
 
My heart is breaking.
 
My heart is breaking because my oldest will be leaving soon, and the youngest will follow not long after.
 
My heart is breaking because the days were long, but the years were shorter, and now here we are – asking, “Where did the time go?”
 
My heart is breaking because I know, and I can’t get them back.
 
My heart is breaking because I WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT I KNOW NOW! God I wish I would have known – twenty years ago! I wish I would have been equipped with the knowledge of what only learning the “hard way” in the wilderness and fire has taught me.
 
My heart is breaking because many a child will grow up knowing and choose to toss the truth aside.
 
My heart is breaking because many a parent will teach with their lips, but not live a life aligned.
 
My heart is breaking because families fall apart seemingly without desire to reconcile.
 
My heart is breaking because this is only a glimpse of what God sees.
 
And it breaks me.
 
My heart is breaking, because there is a gift, an answer, many won’t receive.
 
Holy Spirit – Healer, Comforter, Teacher, Truth, Life and LOVE.
 
My heart, while breaking, KNOWS there is healing; healing coming from the anointed ointment of the presence of the Spirit of the living God, welcomed and free to come in and mend, heal and sooth like a cool salve.
 
And I am hopeful. I am hopeful because like with Nehemiah, the weeping and breaking leads to burden which leads to fasting and prayer which leads to building – building as He leads and provides and makes so.
 
Weeping endures for a moment (or maybe days), but joy is sure to come in the morning! Such joy will lead to Holy Spirit building in a way where no enemy from hell can stop the plans of a living God fixed on saving every soul through the blood of Jesus Christ.
 
I pray Holy Spirit in all His manifestations is welcome in our lives, healing is received on the other side of breaking, and joy unspeakable is manifested in a way only Jesus can create!